Take for example webcams.  Innovative folks set-up webcams in their houses or cars or wherever, and “stream live” 24/7.  Yep.  All you have to do is type in a web address and you have complete access to watch someone else’s life instead of going outside and living your own.

Isn’t technology brilliant.

I’m appalled enough at the lists of side effects (which are really effects, just not the ones you want) but on this commercial the woman runs to the bathroom and the little figure which indicates this room is for “females” jumps off the door and starts talking with this woman and giving her advice! She is getting advice from and listening to the talking animated “girls room symbol,” who’s advising her to “have the Detrol LA conversation with your doctor.”

What?

This is NOT a poor me story.

I learned about her belief when I was 18 and getting ready to move from Cleveland to San Diego, when she sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that the man whom she ridiculed and talked horrible about my whole life was my “real” father, and that she knew who my biological mother was, too. I happened to know her, she told me, or had known her until I was 13 when she had a falling out with the family.

After I moved my mother called my biological mother, had lunch, and learned that her assumption was NOT TRUE. And when I came back to Cleveland on a fluke visit, I re-met my birth mother and eagerly asked about whom my birthfather was. It was not my adopted father. My birth mother had been back in touch with my biological father since I came back into the picture, and he wanted to meet me, but in his own time. This too is another story, which I may write about, but onward to the point of this one.

It has now been 30 years since my mother had lunch with my biological mother, 30 years since I met my birth mother and birth father, and 30 years since the fallacy of my adopted father being my birth father had been shattered, and while I was speaking with my mother the other day it became clear to me that she still believes that my adopted father is my “real” father.

Instead of ridiculing her and getting in to a fight with her during this conversation it got me to thinking. Why does she refuse to let this story go? Why doesn’t she accept the fact that the truth is out? Then it dawned on me…she is too invested in it. She built her life around this story. This incorrect “truth”, in her book, is the perfect cause for all the misery she’s felt within herself and spread on others throughout her life. If this story isn’t true, she has completely wasted aspects of her life, and the pain of that loss is so great that it is easier to continue believing the lie, than embracing the truth.

This realization offered me a huge personal awakening. It got me to see how invested I am in MY story, about my mother, my circumstances and my childhood. That instead of accepting the circumstances in which I grew up in and instead of spending one more second wishing it were different, or fantasizing on what a better life I would have right now if only, that the moment I decide to invest in my future instead of in my past the opportunity presents itself for an increased level of joy and fulfillment.

So I invite you to review your life and see where you are investing in the past. How much energy are you wasting holding on to past hurts, fights, stories that show how difficult it’s been for you, because trust me, I could go head to head with almost each and every one of you when it comes to a hard life, but from this point forward I refuse to invest one more second in my story of how difficult it’s been and how I wish it was different. I don’t. My life path brought me to here and has given me the strength and some awesome tools to carry on. And from this moment forth I invest every present moment in my future, not in my past.

One day as I walked and cleaned the beach a woman approached me, very interested in what I was doing.

“I’ve been wanting to get involved in this,” she said earnestly. “Who are you with?” She inquired.

“No one.” I said, fascinated she felt she needed to be with a group to pick up garbage on the beach.

“Just grab a bag and start.” I said and smiled as I picked up a coke can.

First of all, to stay somewhere you have to be there in the first place. While physically our bodies are always in the present moment, mentally and emotionally, most of us bounce around between the past and future. The truth is lasting change can only occur from the present moment.

Applying the appropriate pair of distinctions to any situation can instantly snap you into the present. Here are some examples.

Comparison vs. Discovery

Comparing is a natural phenomenon, and unless you’re comparing things with the intent of discovering something, it often stems from a feeling of inadequacy, yours or the object of comparison.

Comparing yourself to others as incentive is brilliant because it forces you to discover capacities within yourself,” it they can do, so can I”. In this way a role model’s success, be it a family member, friend or public figure can serve as fuel for your own persistence.

For instance if you are starting a business you might compare your methods with someone else’s and find a better way or if you are a chef compare recipes to find a better cake (we all want better cake, don’t we?) But when you feel like a shlump after comparing yourself to your college buddy who just made a million in the stock market or the hostess with the leastess after comparing yourself to your sister-in-law, the Martha Stewart wannabe, who not only cooks Thanksgiving dinner perfectly, but makes all her own centerpieces, you are wasting your energy and the power of your focus. These comparisons only lead to misery and you’re feeling less than. Instead of setting yourself up for feeling bad I have a recommendation. STOP IT!

When my cat Einstein died I got a new kitten rather quickly. I found myself continually comparing my new cat to my old one until one day when my neighbor came over. He saw the new cat, Olivia, and said, “Oh, you got a new kitten.” I looked at him and said, “Yea, but she’s no Einstein.” I felt bad comparing her but was still really smarting over losing my boy.

“Well,” he said, “You’re in the marvelous stage of discovery.” And as heaven parted and the angels descended upon me paying saxophones, (I like those better than trumpets) I understood the power of his statement.

I understood that I could discover this cat, her sweetnesses and quirks, or I could keep comparing her to Einstein, and never give her a chance in my heart. I also saw that I could apply this tool in every area of my life, discovering what’s going on in the present rather than comparing today to past events.

Perception vs. Reality

A popular belief commonly bandied about these days is “you create your life.” This information is true and false all at the same time for several reasons, one being The Universal Laws, which are immutable and work exactly the same for every one. They are the guidelines, which govern all things in this Universe; consider them the structure of creation. Becoming familiar with them and incorporating their principles into your actions will keep you continuously in the flow.

The thing that disturbs me the most about “you create your life” thinking is the negation of some sort of reality. (The Secret should have been kept secret.) In my estimation, reality is not just what you make it. There is a reality in any given situation. You may never get to it for any number of reasons, but that does not mean it doesn’t exist.

All of us have fertile creative minds, implanted with different reference points for navigating reality. This means we perceive things based on our own previous experiences. Two people often look at the same landscape and see different things, and can experience the same moment and leave with sometimes quite opposite impressions.

Perception vs. Reality is a good tool to use to check yourself, especially when things are going negatively or you find yourself feeling one thing but reacting to another. It’s a tool that invites you to slow down and check in.

Just the other day I was sitting outside with a friend and we both were looking a cat in our new neighbor’s window. Robert kept describing a black cat and I kept telling him he was crazy, the cat was Siamese. We continued to call each other crazy until we realized there were two cats in the window. Perception: You’re crazy. Reality: Two cats.

Or another example…let’s say your friend looks at you funny and you interpret it to mean he’s angry with you but not telling you. It’s too uncomfortable to ask so you just begin interacting with your friend, compensating for the fact you think you’ve done something to piss him off. Perhaps you go out of your way to be extra special nice or maybe mutant behaviors start showing up and you start misinterpreting every little thing. Until you find out the reality of the situation or let go of the perception your relationship with your friend will be askew.

This tool invites you to check your perceptions, see where they stem from and if they are accurate. Don’t rely on misinterpretations, reality is not always what you think!

Reaction vs. Response

This is another brilliant distinction that, if you incorporate it into the fabric of who you are, offers the opportunity for satisfying growth. As you interact throughout your day life’s laboratory continually sends you stepping stones to clarity. You can either REACT to things coming at you, which is based on some past experience being triggered or you can RESPOND, which comes from a place of choice in the moment. Every time you find yourself reacting to anything, which is responding with more emotion or charge than the situation should normally arouse, follow the feeling back to the first time you remember feeling it, feel it and let it go. Just the act of noticing shifts everything.

Most of you reading this blog are seekers and have been your whole life. You know there’s a deeper meaning to existence on this planet than the bill of goods you’ve been sold and you’re not stopping until you are a vehicle for its expression.

It’s easy to run from coach to healer to guru to voodoo priestess to a guy who blows on your head hoping for enlightenment, clarity and insight, but unless you actually incorporate different actions and allow your thinking to change, you will remain bound up within yourself.

Any of you who have truly made any lasting change knows the unfamiliar ground one must walk through when affecting true change. Changing requires actually doing things differently. It requires listening to a different, unfamiliar voice. It requires acting out of now, the present moment, not out of some long past memory.

By now you have some idea of what you want in your life, be it great relationships, a loving family, money, or maybe you’ve determined peace of mind, helping others or taking on an emotional cause is your mission.

It’s time to look at your life through the eyes of your inner architect. Everyone has an inner guide that will help when called upon. This blog is really a guide for giving your inner architect the tools it needs to lay out the blueprint for the future you want instead of the future you’re destined for if you keep acting and reacting in the present moment from experiences in your past.

Refinement never stops, you’ll uncover layer after layer, each bringing with it chaos dripping with insight. Get ready to love the chaos rather than get flustered by it, when you understand its purpose you can use it as the tool it is intended to be.

Architecting your life is a fun approach to your time on this planet. Approaching life from a place of ‘I can’ rather than ‘poor me’ is a powerful stance. And, it’s easy to have our enthusiasm deflated, considering that from the moment we are born we’re put on a trajectory toward “success” in society or measured by our lack of ability or drive for it. We are shuttled through schools for the first 18 years of our lives and then encouraged on through ‘higher education’ so we can achieve a successful career, support a family, pay our taxes, and live in the suburbs. This life has been presented as our only option. Many of us live with an underlying feeling that humans are being co-opted into working for the man rather than collaborating and living with each other, enjoying the bounty of this planet in the spirit it was designed to be enjoyed in.

It is the responsibility of those of us who have traveled a different path; those who understand and embrace the bigger picture to unlock the possibility of each moment for those never exposed to alternative thinking. We have to wake people up to the truth!

We’ve all been indoctrinated to think a particular way, a way we needed to be taught (if we were going to live it) because it is so against our original nature. We were taught to honor others opinions and truths over our own. We were taught to give doctors authority over our bodies, the legal system authority to dictate our moves and any expert who hangs up a shingle to know more than we do about what we need. We live separated from each other and are kept so busy most of us don’t even have time to think about what we want let alone make any attempt to get it. We have to shift our thinking from scarcity thinking to understanding that there is enough to go around for everyone. We can all take care of each other, we just have to get present to the way it is. We have to understand where we are in order to see what we need to do. Now is the time to review your beliefs, the structures and grids that guide your daily life, the habits that make up who you are.

Every place you go these days people are offering you pills, therapies, systems, exercises, eating plans, brain scans and trips to the Moon to help you change your life. In a recent Internet search (5 seconds ago) for change your life 515,000,000 websites came up. Just 3 hours later 516,000,000 came up; just 5 hours later, 685,000,000. Needless to say, the field is rapidly growing.

There’s “Change Your Life in 20 Minutes with Self-Hypnosis,” “Change Your Brain—Change Your Life,” and “The 70 Day Life Makeover.” Web sites galore boast being able to help you have “more abundance in your life” or to “Live a Results Driven Life.” or to “Stop Dreaming, Start Living.” Everybody’s got a secret and trust me, most of them should be kept secrets.

With Personal Coaches on every street corner there sure must be a lot of people to coach. Understandably. Natural human nature is overridden everyday as we scurry through our lives solving problems we created in the first place. We’ve been taught the definition of freedom is ability to buy anything we want, travel anywhere we want, drive anything we want, and run up as much debt as we want and we feel deprived if we don’t get to.

Most of us have been raised in schools designed to curb our creativity rather than celebrate it. Our natural instincts have been dulled and we don’t even know it because we are so focused on making the next buck, if only to survive. No wonder we need help zooming out.

Every person who runs from self-help class to self-help class in an effort to change their life truly needs to understand this…making real changes, building new muscles, and polishing the jewel of your being is not for the faint of heart. It requires vigilance, commitment, and most importantly, taking different actions. You must use your life as a laboratory and be willing to square off, head on, with your inner negotiator, deflating its influence. You must acknowledge your part in every interaction and unravel more and more of yourself with every opportunity.

It’s easy to begin. All you have to do is starting paying attention to who’s directing the show of your life. Is it your inner negotiator, who’s job it is to fight for your rights, instead of your commitments? Your inner 15 year old, who didn’t get what she wanted today so she’s wreaking havoc? Do you hear your mother, father or ex-lover’s voice egging you on or is it your inner elder tapping on your shoulder offering you its guidance?

One easy way in is watching yourself when you get your buttons pushed. Watch when you feel you’ve overreacted to a situation, what was triggered inside of you that caused your response? Contemplate, allow yourself to fully feel what comes up and let go of it.

Letting go is an actual physical sensation not just some woo-woo words spouted by new agers. You can feel it when it happens. And when you let go of old stuffed emotions you open yourself up for new swirling energy. Imagine a 3 lb. rock being strapped to your arm and not being able to get it off. You would get used to having it there, it would certainly have an impact on your day-to-day life no matter how subtle. Now, imagine how you feel when you are finally able to put the rock down. You would feel a new sense of freedom you didn’t know was possible because you were so used to carrying around the rock. All of the sudden you have a whole range of movement available to you that you had forgotten about. Old worn out habits, patterns and emotions we carry around with us affect us just as the rock. Subtly. We don’t notice the undercurrent of influence until we dismantle it.

Changing any area of your life requires interrupting the negotiator, throwing the 15 year old a bone (buy it a Yoohoo or something), kicking the family out and choosing your inner acquired wisdom as your guide over any other voice. You have to do it again and again and again. And again. It will be uncomfortable for a while. It takes a bit of time and during the process you’ll be walking through the chaos and disruption of change. The amount of road between reacting in your old ways to responding in your new ways will depend on how readily you get where you are, let go and allow.

As uncomfortable as it is responding from this new place, gradually you’ll see that you don’t die from doing it differently. You’ll feel better and better as a crisp clarity unfolds. Gradually these new responses will be your default responses, replacing your old shaky framework with new beams of strength.

Be particularly kind to yourself during the period of time between clearing an outmoded response mechanism and developing your newfound way. There is not enough attention given to navigating these waters. It’s akin to growing your hair long after having it short. During the period of time in-between long and short, the unruly weeks, your hair is in chaos. It’s going every which way and all you want to do is cover it up. After a while your hair is beautiful again. You cannot get from short hair to long hair without going through the uncomfortable, unruly, hair stage. And everything turns out fine.

During the times in-between important life changes, your newly acquired tools reach out to you with a faint voice as your old familiar ways try to hang on, taunting you and teasing you into following their lead. The ground below you feels so shaky you don’t know how to act. All you want to do is climb under a rock because it’s dark and safe and you don’t have to choose. But this is your path to wholeness so you carry on. And you choose. And you choose again. And pretty soon you no longer have to choose, you’ve successfully woven your new ways into the fabric of you. Congratulations.

I went to Office Depot to shop for an assortment of office supplies. Somehow the checkout person made a mistake and undercharged me a good amount for the storage boxes.

I was excited when I arrived back at the house, “Guess what?” I beamed. “I got you a great deal on these boxes, the clerk totally undercharged me.”

“You call that a win?” He was puzzled.

At first I thought, yeah, wouldn’t anyone?

Then I contemplated the interaction and gradually began to understand the small thinking syndrome I was suffering from. Getting excited about getting away with something is really small beans. And breaking it down even further I understood exactly where it came from.

My mother.

By example my mother taught me to try to get away with everything.

Determined to alter my base thoughts, I went into serious contemplation mode, which brought me around to the importance of criteria. Criteria rules our lives; if you change your criteria, your life will change.

If your criteria for happiness is to get away with anything and everything, your focus is in a very different place than if your criteria is to help others or to restore people’s faith in humankind by your actions.

When you are traveling someplace, your first criteria could be getting there fast. That’s a very different trip than if your first criteria is safety or if it’s seeing the sights.

I can write about this now without embarrassment about my lack of understanding of the laws of intention, attention and attraction, because I know I can only navigate life through what I learned as a child, until I pay enough attention, with commited intention, and choose how I want to interact with the world. And by looking at my criteria for success, happiness and contentment and choosing differently when I find the thoughts I entertain don’t truly serve me and therefore don’t truly serve anyone.